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Forums - The lounge
Subject: More jokes
Original Message 1/21 11-Oct-04 @ 05:06 PM - More jokes
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
Message 2/21 11-Oct-04 @ 05:25 PM - RE: More jokes
and your club flies an alabama flag?
that's too funny.
that's too funny.
Message 3/21 13-Oct-04 @ 07:31 PM - RE: More jokes
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 4/21 13-Oct-04 @ 11:17 PM - RE: More jokes
*hurk!!
BwahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHOHOHOHOHOHOHO......WWWOOOOOOWWWWWEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
Aw man, that's just FUCKED UP!!!!
BwahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHOHOHOHOHOHOHO......WWWOOOOOOWWWWWEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
Aw man, that's just FUCKED UP!!!!
Message 5/21 01-Nov-04 @ 04:04 PM - RE: More jokes
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Message 6/21 13-Nov-04 @ 11:36 AM - RE: More jokes
At a grade school in Edmonton a teacher was talking with her students about football. She told the students that she was an Edmonton Eskimos fan. She then asked her students to raise their hands if they, too, were Eskimos fans. Everyone in the class raised their hand, except Little Johnny. The teacher looked at Little Johnny with surprise and said,
"Little Johnny, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not an Eskimos fan," he replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Edmonton Eskimos fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Saskatchewan Roughriders fan, and proud of it," Little Johnny replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Little Johnny, why are you a Roughriders fan?"
"Because my Mom is a Roughriders fan and my Dad is a Roughriders fan, so that makes me a Saskatchewan Roughriders fan too!" explained Little Johnny.
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Saskatchewan Roughriders fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. Why, what if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then," Little Johnny smiled, "We'd be Edmonton Eskimos fans."
A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks.
"Wid all them there lawsuits going on, I'm feeling kinda left out . . . how do I get in on some of that action?"
"I hear that people are suing the cigarette companies cause they got cancer, and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got themselves fat."
His lawyer asks, "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"
The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul answers . . . "Neider, I just wanna know if I can sue Labatt's for all the ugly women I've slept with".
"Little Johnny, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not an Eskimos fan," he replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Edmonton Eskimos fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Saskatchewan Roughriders fan, and proud of it," Little Johnny replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Little Johnny, why are you a Roughriders fan?"
"Because my Mom is a Roughriders fan and my Dad is a Roughriders fan, so that makes me a Saskatchewan Roughriders fan too!" explained Little Johnny.
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Saskatchewan Roughriders fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. Why, what if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then," Little Johnny smiled, "We'd be Edmonton Eskimos fans."
A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks.
"Wid all them there lawsuits going on, I'm feeling kinda left out . . . how do I get in on some of that action?"
"I hear that people are suing the cigarette companies cause they got cancer, and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got themselves fat."
His lawyer asks, "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"
The dear ole Newfie, God bless his soul answers . . . "Neider, I just wanna know if I can sue Labatt's for all the ugly women I've slept with".
Message 7/21 14-Nov-04 @ 06:57 AM - RE: More jokes
Humble Granny
Posts: 103
Link?: No link
File?: No file
A donkey said boo
Message 8/21 16-Nov-04 @ 05:00 PM Edit: 16-Nov-04 | 05:03 PM - RE: More jokes
Fairytales rule :
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper
wherever indicated and
Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw
Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the
girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper
wherever indicated and
Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw
Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the
girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Message 9/21 16-Nov-04 @ 05:01 PM - RE: More jokes
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat,
said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and
pulled out a ...44 magnum, pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat,
said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and
pulled out a ...44 magnum, pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
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