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Subject: Joketime
Original Message Date: 23-Oct-03 @ 12:34 PM - Joketime
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
BLONDE:
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
FIRETRUCK:
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides,
a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire
fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but ... then I wouldn't have a siren."
Message 12/24 19-Nov-03 @ 07:44 AM - RE: Joketime
Preparing to endorse check, she pulls a rectal thermometer
out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,
"Well, that's great... just great.. some asshole's got my pen."
Message 14/24 19-Nov-03 @ 01:18 PM Edit: 19-Nov-03 | 01:20 PM - RE: Joketime
He approaches one of the nurses as everyone cowers in terror
"This is a SPERM bank sir... not the other kind" she gapes
"Never mind that" says the man, pulling out a phial of sperm from a holder... "drink this!!"
"what!", replies the nurse..
"drink it!.. NOW!" shouts the raider..
she realises she has no choice, and gulps it down in one go....
"AND ANOTHER!!", shouts the raider...
She gulps down another, and again he demands she drinks another, so she does so again, repeating this half a dozen times at his ever increasing angry demands & shotgun brandishing.
Finaly terrified she shouts at the raider, "Look, what sort of robbery is this?... this is a sperm bank dammit!!"
The raider whips off his mask...... to her utter shock.... it's her husband
"See honey!... it's not THAT fuckin' hard!"
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 15/24 19-Nov-03 @ 03:01 PM - RE: Joketime
![](images/heee.gif)
Q: Why do pakis/turks/spot grow a mustache?
A: To look like their mothers.
*runs and covers*
Message 16/24 19-Nov-03 @ 04:26 PM - RE: Joketime
fence all the way. i'm gonna give that one a run down the pub today when cardiff city are gonna BEAT THE SHIT out of them homo hammers.
Fuck you sheep fucker...
![](images/cool.gif)
Message 17/24 19-Nov-03 @ 04:34 PM - RE: Joketime
Message 18/24 19-Nov-03 @ 04:37 PM Edit: 19-Nov-03 | 04:38 PM - RE: Joketime
"I'd like a beer, a steak and a woman", he says to the barman
"Sorry mate, " the barman replies, "I can do you a nice cold pint of larger, and we've got some nice juicy steaks but look around you. There aren't any birds here."
Now the guy is desperate. He hasn't bumped uglies in some time and he's desperate to unload into a woman. "Come on mate," he says "You've got to help me here, I need a shag."
The barman is resolute, "I can't help mate. Sorry." So the guy has his beer, eats his steak and the fucks off back to the oil rig.
Another three months pass, and the same guy returns to the same pub from another gruelling stint on the 'rigs.
"I'd like a beer, a steak and a woman", he says to the same barman
"I know you," the barman replies. "Its the same deal. Nice cold beer, nice juicy steak but no birds. Get it?"
This time, the guy is not going to be put off. "Come on. PLEASE! I need a shag!" he implores.
The barman thinks about it and eventually says. "Well, there is always Bill, the cook"
"The Cook?" The guy replies. "Fuck off! I'm not into that shit!"
"Ok," replies the barman. "Suit yourself. Its your only choice mate."
The guy mulls it over and eventually asks "Bill yeah? Who else would know?"
"Seven. Only seven of us would know.." The barman says.
"SEVEN!?" The guy says incredulously, "Seven fucking people? Who?"
"Well," says the barman. "There's you, me and Bill.. and the four guys that'll have to hold him down 'cos he isn't into that shit either!!!"
Message 19/24 19-Nov-03 @ 05:13 PM - RE: Joketime
7 West Ham Utd 17 7 28
8 Ipswich Town 18 6 28
9 Cardiff City 17 13 27
Message 20/24 30-Jan-04 @ 10:30 AM - RE: Joketime
Dawn French was arrested yesterday for drug smuggling... she bent over without any knickers on and exposed 50 kilos of crack and 5 ounces of bush
(both, courtesy of our bass player)
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
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