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Forums - The lounge
Subject: Joketime
Viewing all 24 messages - View by pages of 10: 1 2 3
Original Message 1/24 23-Oct-03 @ 12:34 PM - Joketime
MOUSE:
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
BLONDE:
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
FIRETRUCK:
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides,
a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire
fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but ... then I wouldn't have a siren."
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
BLONDE:
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
FIRETRUCK:
A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides,
a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire
fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but ... then I wouldn't have a siren."
Message 3/24 24-Oct-03 @ 03:33 AM Edit: 24-Oct-03 | 03:33 AM - RE: Joketime
Alright, blatand dump here.... enjoy....
Who gets the Egg
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each
other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden
and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his
garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He
was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The
Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him
because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we
normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls
and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls
and time how long it takes for me to get up; whoever gets up quicker wins
the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of
boots and put them on. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman
fell to the floor clutching his nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."
-----------------------------------------------------
Backfire!
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the
mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts
of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
-----------------------------------------------------
I Not Come To Work
Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really
sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
-----------------------------------------------------
Fence
an eldery couple is enjoying an aniversary dinner together in a small
tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife. Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern
where you leaned against the fence and i made love to you.
"Yes she says : I remember it well"
Ok he says " how about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it
for old times sake"
Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and
having a chuckle to himself. he thinks,"I've got to see this: two old-timers
having sex against a fence ,Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no
trouble. He follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their
way to the fence.The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and
the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the
fence, the old man moves in, Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex
that the watching policeman has ever seen,
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. this goes on for about
forty minutes'She's yelling "Ohhhh,God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear
life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable,
Finally, the both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has learned somthing about life that he
didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on,
The policeman, still watching thinks, " That was truly amazing, he was going
like a train.I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, " That was somthing else, you must have
been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have
had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?
" No , there's no secret " the old man says,
" fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
-----------------------------------------------------
What Are They Thinking
At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the
Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is
receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.
They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they
both thinking?
Don't look down.
Who gets the Egg
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each
other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden
and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his
garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He
was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The
Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him
because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we
normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls
and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls
and time how long it takes for me to get up; whoever gets up quicker wins
the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of
boots and put them on. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman
fell to the floor clutching his nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."
-----------------------------------------------------
Backfire!
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the
mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts
of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
-----------------------------------------------------
I Not Come To Work
Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really
sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel
great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
-----------------------------------------------------
Fence
an eldery couple is enjoying an aniversary dinner together in a small
tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife. Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern
where you leaned against the fence and i made love to you.
"Yes she says : I remember it well"
Ok he says " how about taking a stroll a round there again and we can do it
for old times sake"
Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and
having a chuckle to himself. he thinks,"I've got to see this: two old-timers
having sex against a fence ,Ill just keep an eye on them so there's no
trouble. He follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their
way to the fence.The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and
the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the
fence, the old man moves in, Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex
that the watching policeman has ever seen,
They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. this goes on for about
forty minutes'She's yelling "Ohhhh,God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear
life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable,
Finally, the both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has learned somthing about life that he
didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on,
The policeman, still watching thinks, " That was truly amazing, he was going
like a train.I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, " That was somthing else, you must have
been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have
had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?
" No , there's no secret " the old man says,
" fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
-----------------------------------------------------
What Are They Thinking
At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the
Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is
receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.
They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they
both thinking?
Don't look down.
Message 4/24 25-Oct-03 @ 10:15 AM - RE: Joketime
the fence one was excellent!
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 6/24 25-Oct-03 @ 11:51 AM - RE: Joketime
fence all the way. i'm gonna give that one a run down the pub today when cardiff city are gonna BEAT THE SHIT out of them homo hammers.
Message 9/24 29-Oct-03 @ 04:23 AM - RE: Joketime
that's funny psylichon! a little close to home but funny
Message 10/24 29-Oct-03 @ 04:43 AM - RE: Joketime
Ok, get yer morning dump out of the way and grab some coffee.... more jokes: 
A first grader comes home and announces to his father that he had sex with
his teacher.
Well, his father's chest just swells with pride and he says to his son, "I
was a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher.
I'm proud of you son.
You know that bicycle that you've been wanting for so long?
I'm going to take you out and buy it for you today."
His son says, "Well if it's all the same to you dad, I'd rather go tomorrow.
My ass is still sore."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver.
She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex
before she dies.
The bus driver agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't
have sex with anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver
says No problem, he is not married.
The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in
the ass.
The bus driver agrees again.
Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care
of business.
When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a
confession to make.
I am married and have three children".
The nun replies: "Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I
am on my way to a costume party".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm
by a bee.
She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.
She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor?."
One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor,
what can I help you with?"
"I've been stung by a bee."
"Oh really, where?"
"Between the first and second hole"
"Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman starts dating a doctor.
Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a
priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do.
After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it
was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not
going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest.
"What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor.
"It's a miracle!
Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell
his son the truth.
One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you.
I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother.
The archbishop is your father."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Late one evening, a man of the gay persuasion was taking a shortcut home
through a deserted part of the park.
He came upon a wino on a park bench sleeping off the days binge. Since he
was pretty horny, and there was no one else around, he 'had his way with the
man'.
Feeling bad about what he had done, he took a $5 bill and placed it into the
wino's clenched fist.
In the morning, when the wino woke up, he noticed the money, and
immediately went to the liquor store, where he told the clerk: "Give me $5
worth of the cheapest stuff you have."
He then spent the rest of the day drinking his purchase.
That night, the same gay guy was coming through the park, and came upon the
wino again. Next morning, .... $5
The wino again went to the liquor store with the command: "Give me $5 worth
of the cheapest stuff you have."
He then spent the rest of the day drinking his purchase.
That night, the gay guy was accompanied by 3 of his friends.
The next morning .... $20.
As the wino came into the liquor store, the clerk cut him off.
"I know, I know, you want $5 of the cheapest stuff I have."
Taking out the $20, the wino replied, "No, give me something a little
better.
That cheap stuff is tearing up my asshole!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Norway when the
male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five
years ago.
Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says
to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow
holes.
That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing
innocent whales."
The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.
Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most
of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or
in lifeboats.
Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're
going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"
Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Sure", she says, "I
agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pierre, the French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air so Marie leans over to Pierre
and says: "Pierre, kiss me!".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and passionately splashes it on
Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have
red meat , I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.
So he says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre, what are you doing?!"
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have
white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it
all over.
He grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams: "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING!!!"
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go
down, I go down in flames!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope flew into New York City for a Catholic convention.
He was running very late and decided to take a cab.
He asked the cab driver if he could drive him from the airport across town
in 15 minutes.
The cab driver, having recognized the Pope, quickly agreed.
However, 2 miles into the trip the Pope noticed that the cab driver was
driving very very slowly.
The driver couldn't oncentrate on driving because he was too excited about
the Pope riding in his cab.
Finally, getting very anxious and not wanting to be tardy for his
convention, the Pope asked the driver if he could drive.
The driver pulled over and switched seats with the Pope.
The Pope began driving over 100 mph and weaving around slow traffic to help
him gain some time.
It wasn't long before a police officer noticed and pulled the cab over. As
the officer walked up next to the vehicle, he immediately noticed the Pope
and quickly retreated to his squad car.
The officer radioed to his captain, "Sir, I have a situation here.
I think that I have pulled over someone very very important."
"Is it the NY Mayor?" says the chief.
"No, I think this man is more important," answers the officer.
"More important than the Mayor? Who did you pull over, the President?"
exclaimed the chief.
The officer thought for a second and then answered "No, I think that
this man is even more important than the President."
"Who in the whole world can be more important than the President?" says the
chief.
"Well, sir, I don't know who he is, but the Pope is his chauffeur."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing
what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl
stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and
I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out
the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver,
and the fare back to town is $25."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.
The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass.
The man sneezes again.
He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.
The woman is about to go nuts.
She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few minutes pass.
The man sneezes yet again.
He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times
you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell
kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am.
I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange.
What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to
put a $100 bill on his willie.
The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.
The man replies, " I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right
now".
So, the artist goes ahead and does the job.
But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a
$100 bill on his willie.
So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says
that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would
just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons:
"First, I like to play with my money.
Second, Ilike to watch my money grow.
And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100,
she can stay home to do it."
A first grader comes home and announces to his father that he had sex with
his teacher.
Well, his father's chest just swells with pride and he says to his son, "I
was a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher.
I'm proud of you son.
You know that bicycle that you've been wanting for so long?
I'm going to take you out and buy it for you today."
His son says, "Well if it's all the same to you dad, I'd rather go tomorrow.
My ass is still sore."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver.
She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex
before she dies.
The bus driver agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't
have sex with anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver
says No problem, he is not married.
The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in
the ass.
The bus driver agrees again.
Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care
of business.
When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a
confession to make.
I am married and have three children".
The nun replies: "Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I
am on my way to a costume party".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm
by a bee.
She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.
She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor?."
One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor,
what can I help you with?"
"I've been stung by a bee."
"Oh really, where?"
"Between the first and second hole"
"Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman starts dating a doctor.
Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a
priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do.
After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it
was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not
going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest.
"What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor.
"It's a miracle!
Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell
his son the truth.
One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you.
I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother.
The archbishop is your father."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Late one evening, a man of the gay persuasion was taking a shortcut home
through a deserted part of the park.
He came upon a wino on a park bench sleeping off the days binge. Since he
was pretty horny, and there was no one else around, he 'had his way with the
man'.
Feeling bad about what he had done, he took a $5 bill and placed it into the
wino's clenched fist.
In the morning, when the wino woke up, he noticed the money, and
immediately went to the liquor store, where he told the clerk: "Give me $5
worth of the cheapest stuff you have."
He then spent the rest of the day drinking his purchase.
That night, the same gay guy was coming through the park, and came upon the
wino again. Next morning, .... $5
The wino again went to the liquor store with the command: "Give me $5 worth
of the cheapest stuff you have."
He then spent the rest of the day drinking his purchase.
That night, the gay guy was accompanied by 3 of his friends.
The next morning .... $20.
As the wino came into the liquor store, the clerk cut him off.
"I know, I know, you want $5 of the cheapest stuff I have."
Taking out the $20, the wino replied, "No, give me something a little
better.
That cheap stuff is tearing up my asshole!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Norway when the
male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five
years ago.
Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says
to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow
holes.
That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing
innocent whales."
The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.
Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most
of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or
in lifeboats.
Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're
going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"
Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Sure", she says, "I
agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pierre, the French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air so Marie leans over to Pierre
and says: "Pierre, kiss me!".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and passionately splashes it on
Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have
red meat , I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.
So he says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre, what are you doing?!"
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have
white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it
all over.
He grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams: "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING!!!"
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go
down, I go down in flames!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope flew into New York City for a Catholic convention.
He was running very late and decided to take a cab.
He asked the cab driver if he could drive him from the airport across town
in 15 minutes.
The cab driver, having recognized the Pope, quickly agreed.
However, 2 miles into the trip the Pope noticed that the cab driver was
driving very very slowly.
The driver couldn't oncentrate on driving because he was too excited about
the Pope riding in his cab.
Finally, getting very anxious and not wanting to be tardy for his
convention, the Pope asked the driver if he could drive.
The driver pulled over and switched seats with the Pope.
The Pope began driving over 100 mph and weaving around slow traffic to help
him gain some time.
It wasn't long before a police officer noticed and pulled the cab over. As
the officer walked up next to the vehicle, he immediately noticed the Pope
and quickly retreated to his squad car.
The officer radioed to his captain, "Sir, I have a situation here.
I think that I have pulled over someone very very important."
"Is it the NY Mayor?" says the chief.
"No, I think this man is more important," answers the officer.
"More important than the Mayor? Who did you pull over, the President?"
exclaimed the chief.
The officer thought for a second and then answered "No, I think that
this man is even more important than the President."
"Who in the whole world can be more important than the President?" says the
chief.
"Well, sir, I don't know who he is, but the Pope is his chauffeur."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing
what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl
stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and
I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out
the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver,
and the fare back to town is $25."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.
The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass.
The man sneezes again.
He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.
The woman is about to go nuts.
She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few minutes pass.
The man sneezes yet again.
He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times
you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell
kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am.
I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange.
What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to
put a $100 bill on his willie.
The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.
The man replies, " I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right
now".
So, the artist goes ahead and does the job.
But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a
$100 bill on his willie.
So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says
that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would
just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons:
"First, I like to play with my money.
Second, Ilike to watch my money grow.
And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100,
she can stay home to do it."
Message 12/24 19-Nov-03 @ 07:44 AM - RE: Joketime
A nurse walks into a bank.
Preparing to endorse check, she pulls a rectal thermometer
out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,
"Well, that's great... just great.. some asshole's got my pen."
Preparing to endorse check, she pulls a rectal thermometer
out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,
"Well, that's great... just great.. some asshole's got my pen."
Message 14/24 19-Nov-03 @ 01:18 PM Edit: 19-Nov-03 | 01:20 PM - RE: Joketime
one morning in the sperm bank a masked raider crashes in brandishing a shotgun
He approaches one of the nurses as everyone cowers in terror
"This is a SPERM bank sir... not the other kind" she gapes
"Never mind that" says the man, pulling out a phial of sperm from a holder... "drink this!!"
"what!", replies the nurse..
"drink it!.. NOW!" shouts the raider..
she realises she has no choice, and gulps it down in one go....
"AND ANOTHER!!", shouts the raider...
She gulps down another, and again he demands she drinks another, so she does so again, repeating this half a dozen times at his ever increasing angry demands & shotgun brandishing.
Finaly terrified she shouts at the raider, "Look, what sort of robbery is this?... this is a sperm bank dammit!!"
The raider whips off his mask...... to her utter shock.... it's her husband
"See honey!... it's not THAT fuckin' hard!"
He approaches one of the nurses as everyone cowers in terror
"This is a SPERM bank sir... not the other kind" she gapes
"Never mind that" says the man, pulling out a phial of sperm from a holder... "drink this!!"
"what!", replies the nurse..
"drink it!.. NOW!" shouts the raider..
she realises she has no choice, and gulps it down in one go....
"AND ANOTHER!!", shouts the raider...
She gulps down another, and again he demands she drinks another, so she does so again, repeating this half a dozen times at his ever increasing angry demands & shotgun brandishing.
Finaly terrified she shouts at the raider, "Look, what sort of robbery is this?... this is a sperm bank dammit!!"
The raider whips off his mask...... to her utter shock.... it's her husband
"See honey!... it's not THAT fuckin' hard!"
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 15/24 19-Nov-03 @ 03:01 PM - RE: Joketime
Hehehe...this is good stuff...I think he should slap her too. 
Q: Why do pakis/turks/spot grow a mustache?
A: To look like their mothers.
*runs and covers*
Q: Why do pakis/turks/spot grow a mustache?
A: To look like their mothers.
*runs and covers*
Message 16/24 19-Nov-03 @ 04:26 PM - RE: Joketime
quote
fence all the way. i'm gonna give that one a run down the pub today when cardiff city are gonna BEAT THE SHIT out of them homo hammers.
fence all the way. i'm gonna give that one a run down the pub today when cardiff city are gonna BEAT THE SHIT out of them homo hammers.
Fuck you sheep fucker...
Message 17/24 19-Nov-03 @ 04:34 PM - RE: Joketime
oi bastardian, my mah's not got a moustache!.........a beard, but no moustache
Message 18/24 19-Nov-03 @ 04:37 PM Edit: 19-Nov-03 | 04:38 PM - RE: Joketime
Guy comes ashore from a three month stint on the oil rigs. He breezes into town and goes into to the first pub he finds.
"I'd like a beer, a steak and a woman", he says to the barman
"Sorry mate, " the barman replies, "I can do you a nice cold pint of larger, and we've got some nice juicy steaks but look around you. There aren't any birds here."
Now the guy is desperate. He hasn't bumped uglies in some time and he's desperate to unload into a woman. "Come on mate," he says "You've got to help me here, I need a shag."
The barman is resolute, "I can't help mate. Sorry." So the guy has his beer, eats his steak and the fucks off back to the oil rig.
Another three months pass, and the same guy returns to the same pub from another gruelling stint on the 'rigs.
"I'd like a beer, a steak and a woman", he says to the same barman
"I know you," the barman replies. "Its the same deal. Nice cold beer, nice juicy steak but no birds. Get it?"
This time, the guy is not going to be put off. "Come on. PLEASE! I need a shag!" he implores.
The barman thinks about it and eventually says. "Well, there is always Bill, the cook"
"The Cook?" The guy replies. "Fuck off! I'm not into that shit!"
"Ok," replies the barman. "Suit yourself. Its your only choice mate."
The guy mulls it over and eventually asks "Bill yeah? Who else would know?"
"Seven. Only seven of us would know.." The barman says.
"SEVEN!?" The guy says incredulously, "Seven fucking people? Who?"
"Well," says the barman. "There's you, me and Bill.. and the four guys that'll have to hold him down 'cos he isn't into that shit either!!!"
"I'd like a beer, a steak and a woman", he says to the barman
"Sorry mate, " the barman replies, "I can do you a nice cold pint of larger, and we've got some nice juicy steaks but look around you. There aren't any birds here."
Now the guy is desperate. He hasn't bumped uglies in some time and he's desperate to unload into a woman. "Come on mate," he says "You've got to help me here, I need a shag."
The barman is resolute, "I can't help mate. Sorry." So the guy has his beer, eats his steak and the fucks off back to the oil rig.
Another three months pass, and the same guy returns to the same pub from another gruelling stint on the 'rigs.
"I'd like a beer, a steak and a woman", he says to the same barman
"I know you," the barman replies. "Its the same deal. Nice cold beer, nice juicy steak but no birds. Get it?"
This time, the guy is not going to be put off. "Come on. PLEASE! I need a shag!" he implores.
The barman thinks about it and eventually says. "Well, there is always Bill, the cook"
"The Cook?" The guy replies. "Fuck off! I'm not into that shit!"
"Ok," replies the barman. "Suit yourself. Its your only choice mate."
The guy mulls it over and eventually asks "Bill yeah? Who else would know?"
"Seven. Only seven of us would know.." The barman says.
"SEVEN!?" The guy says incredulously, "Seven fucking people? Who?"
"Well," says the barman. "There's you, me and Bill.. and the four guys that'll have to hold him down 'cos he isn't into that shit either!!!"
Message 19/24 19-Nov-03 @ 05:13 PM - RE: Joketime
hehe it was 0-0 anyway. still -
7 West Ham Utd 17 7 28
8 Ipswich Town 18 6 28
9 Cardiff City 17 13 27
7 West Ham Utd 17 7 28
8 Ipswich Town 18 6 28
9 Cardiff City 17 13 27
Message 20/24 30-Jan-04 @ 10:30 AM - RE: Joketime
Essex girl in bed with boyfriend says "How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed... and take your fucking mates with you!"
Dawn French was arrested yesterday for drug smuggling... she bent over without any knickers on and exposed 50 kilos of crack and 5 ounces of bush
(both, courtesy of our bass player)
Dawn French was arrested yesterday for drug smuggling... she bent over without any knickers on and exposed 50 kilos of crack and 5 ounces of bush
(both, courtesy of our bass player)
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 21/24 30-Jan-04 @ 12:35 PM - RE: Joketime
Tell him to stick to playing the bass. They were shite, and old.
Message 22/24 30-Jan-04 @ 01:39 PM - RE: Joketime
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 23/24 02-Mar-04 @ 02:17 AM - RE: Joketime
--- A bus stops & two Italian men get on.
They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them tries to ignore them at first, but her attention is stimulated when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again & pee twice. Then I come one last time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the first man. "Who issa talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my friend here how to spella 'Mississippi'!!!....
They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them tries to ignore them at first, but her attention is stimulated when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again & pee twice. Then I come one last time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the first man. "Who issa talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my friend here how to spella 'Mississippi'!!!....
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