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Forums - The lounge
Subject: so there's this bloke ...
Viewing all 7 messages - View by pages of 10: 1
Original Message 1/7 19-Jan-10 @ 10:14 PM Edit: 19-Jan-10 | 10:32 PM - so there's this bloke ...
There's this bloke in the pub and he gets really drunk all the time. One night he says to his mate, I've got to go home, the wife's been giving me grief for turning up late and drunk. See you tommorrow. So he goes home and the wife shouts at him that if he comes home drunk one more time she's going to leave him.
...
The next night he's down the pub again, and he ends up so drunk he pukes over himself.
He says to his mate, oh fuck, the wife is going to leave me. She said if i come home drunk once more she's gone. what the fuck am I going to do?
His mate says, don't worry i've got it all sorted, all you have to do is this:
Put a 20 in your coat pocket, then just go home. When you get to the door just pull out the twenty quid and tell your wife that some guy in the pub puked over your coat but he was very apologetic and he gave you the cash to clean it up.
So he goes home, starts falling in through the door and his wife is there to greet him:
"Where the fuck have you been? Itold you that if you came home drunk once more I'd leave you! ... And why are you covered in puke?"
So he says, "It's ok, i'm not drunk, a guy in the pub puked on me" and pulls out the money from his pocket "but it's ok because he gave me 20 notes to pay for the cleaning ..."
and his wife say oh, that's ok then. thing is, why have you got 40 pounds in your hand?
"oh, the other 20 is from the guy who shat in my pants"
Message 2/7 19-Jan-10 @ 11:33 PM - RE: so there's this bloke ...
NastyM
Posts: 294
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on a similar track a workmate of mine spent an evening at his wife's bosses house, a fortieth birthday or something similar. During the course of the night (after a few whiskys) his wife discovered him in the bathroom with his underwear full of puke ..... he must have been sick whilst sat on the toilet....... not content with this for humiliation he was eventually bundled into a taxi wearing some other blokes y-fronts.
to make amends the fella bought his wifes boss a huge box of Thorntons chocolates, unfortunately she never recieved them as I persuaded the lad to "let it lie" convincing him not to heap remorse upon humiliation, appologizing with a lame box of chocs would not even begin to scratch the surface of such emotional scarring.... as you can imagine i was in danger of divine retribution, later i was nearly sick after scoffing around about 1/2lb of luxury truffles
all ended well myself, Mickey and Julie are still good friends and she has now got a job closer to home in a different dental practice, however i do feel somebody somewhere is still mocking me having recently spent nearly £300 on root canal treatment.
Message 3/7 20-Jan-10 @ 02:11 AM - RE: so there's this bloke ...
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 4/7 20-Jan-10 @ 02:36 AM - RE: so there's this bloke ...
This he does, and spills the entire sordid story of lapdancing and personal favours given behind curtained screens.
After finishing his story the wife whips the chalk out from behind his ear and shrieks: "Don't give me that you bloody liar! You've been all night in that pub playing fucking darts again!!"
a few gleaned over christmas
Q. what do you call an Irish Lesbian?
A. A Gaelic
Two old boys are talking:
"Life gets bloody hard at our age" says one... "I only get it about twice a year!"
"Aye" says the other... "In fact if my missus didnt sleep with her mouth open, i wouldn't get any at all!"
an old Jewish bloke and his ever nagging wife go on holiday to Jerusalem when the wife suddenly drops dead of a heart attack! The funeral company tell him it'll cost 5 grand to ship her home, or 500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband instructs the funeral company to ship her home.
The undertaker says "But Sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy land and save the money?"
The husband says; "A long long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead!... I can't take the fucking chance!"
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 5/7 03-Feb-10 @ 12:29 PM - RE: so there's this bloke ...
A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the waitresses there
have low-cut blouses and really short skirts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they
should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the food
there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they
should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because they can
eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they
should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the
restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they
should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because everyone's
heard it's good and they've never been there before.
Message 6/7 04-Feb-10 @ 02:04 PM - RE: so there's this bloke ...
___________________________________
I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!
Message 7/7 09-Feb-10 @ 12:32 AM - RE: so there's this bloke ...
others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you
in a room full of other patients.
A 76-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something
wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and
say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the
problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could
embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
"There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is
wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
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